I betrayed myself, or at least that is how it feels
I ended up dropping out of college when I was young to be with an older guy, an alcoholic, a sexually and emotionally abusive one. He threatened at one point to kill me, but by the grace of God I am still here. And I am smiling. Still fear likes to creep in and the old tapes play back the danger I felt in that apartment as I get ready to move a fear creeps over me, and I find memories flash through my mind. .He took my virginity, he hurt my body, but if I left him it would be admitting the whole thing was a sham and that I was used. Something told me not to move in with him, and I did. I ended up in danger several times, and he even threatened to kill me. I failed to protect myself. I cannot trust even myself. I ended up feeling trapped, afraid to stay and afraid to leave. YET I DID LEAVE. I made a good choice and one that saved my life and eventually restored my soul. I knelt down and prayed and that still small voice said “He’s never going to change for you” God spoke to me. He wanted me to get away too. I chose to leave. After all there is a certain amount of free will.
Yet it doesn’t stop the past from being used against you. Sometimes shame tells me I cannot do anything right. It tells me to hope means to be disappointed. It tells me nothing good happens to me and nothing good should-I don’t deserve it.
The name of the enemy of our souls is satan, (I never capitalize that name) and the name means “Accuser” Condemnation and shame wrapped in lies is his specialty:
Jesus says in John 8:44
He was a murderer fro m the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
The truth is a person, JESUS. St. Paul says Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1–2 and If God be for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31
He has forgiven my past, washed it away, and I will not walk into the kind of trap I walked into before I knew Him, the kind that threatened my life. God is not just with me, be fore me. And no condemning words come out of His mouth toward His sheep. He will lead my husband and I where we need to go.
Amen and Amen