Wrestling With God

There are just some things I cannot understand-or perhaps don’t want to.  The all seeing God of the universe is everywhere and knows and see all.  I somewhat have come to terms with the fact that God allows suffering for His purposes and free will and blah blah yoda yoda.  What I don’t understand is how that helps my personal healing.

There are some dark places that I do not want God to go in and heal, because I don’t want to think about Him being there-It is too shameful to envision.  I almost want Jesus to shield His eyes and look away.  Sexual abuse sucks.

Yet we all feel a certain amount of shame or unworthiness.  The first thing Adam and Eve after choosing to pursue evil and not good was nakedness.  The feeling you get as a child being teased or when you make a big mistake and know it or a boss belittles you, or you look in the mirror and want to look different.  Exposed.  Vulnerable-it is something we all feel.

What did Adam and Eve do about this sudden realization that they were naked?   They hid. Something I am sorry to say people know how to do all to well.  Even people of faith.  We get out our spiritual umbrellas an smile and pretend it is not raining.  If someone else is struggling we dismiss it because we don’t want our own foundation to be cracked.  No wonder the world looks elsewhere for healing.  We are not like our master Jesus, who was willing to be broken and vulnerable.

I am reminded of a sermon Father Nathan preached on Sunday at All Saints Anglican Church.  You see in some way the crucifixion was worse than the Mel Gibbson movie.  For Jesus experienced not just or sins, our rejection, but our shame.  All the movies show Jesus hanging in a loin cloth.  He would have been naked and exposed, His arms stretched out and unable to cover Himself.  His bowels most likely gave out.  People stared at him and mocked.  Being crucified for a Jew meant they were unclean and damned by God:

Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”—Galatians 3:13 (Thank you google)

Jesus took our shame as well as our sins and the died and were buried with Him. To God there is no time.  He is eternal.  He knows all the sins we have committed and will commit and died for them.  Before we were born.  He saw it.  Our sins, or inner thoughts, our lusts, or nakedness, brokenness and shame. Yet he still wanted us enough to die for us.  Eph. chapter 1 tells us

…he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5he predestined usb for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ….

This is great news for the imperfect, the lost, the destitute, the forgotten, the victimized and the blatantly sinful. To the strong, the proud, the intellectual superior and people who have it all together-this means nothing.  The Gospel is not for you.  Not yet, anyhow.

Jesus was there in the darkest moments of my life.  He was there in some way on the cross.  He bore the shame. Ye there is still apart of my soul that says with Mary, the sister of Lazarus: Lord if you had been here…

Yet it did happen. Jesus saw it and did not turn away.  Nor did He turn from the cross. “He scorned not it’s shame.”   “For the Joy set before Him he endured the cross.”  He loved us sssooooo much that he was happy to go through with it.  How can I not trust Him in light of this? How can I not tell others of someone who loves us so much?













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An imperfect and broken woman, I seek to know God better believing His promise "to make all things new..." one day at a time, one moment at a time.

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