To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven Ecclesiastes 3

Moses was born in Egypt.  He had to go back to the place he was before he knew the Lord, a place where he had sinned, a place of sweat and toil for his people.  He did not want to go, but he did. He went (reluctantly) where he did not want to go, and the deliverance of the Lord went with him.  He was sent.

Sometimes we do have to go back and face things.  We may want to remain where we are, but the way forward is sometimes backward.  This is contrary our self help, think positive and leave the past behind culture.  We cannot leave anything behind by simply walking forward.  We need to do more than just let go of the past.  We need the Everlasting Arms to take those burdens.  I think of the lashes Christ took.  How deep the marks were on His back, how maybe there are lash marks on my heart, and he wants to take those too.  He bled with emotion in the garden.  The places within me that hurt so much, that ache, the emptiness that wants to swallow me up, it’s too damn much for me.  Not for Him.  No he bled and died and was crushed like grapes in a wine press when he could have gotten away.  I sip sweet wine on Sundays because He drank the bitterest of poisons down to the dregs.  What reason could I give to His face, swollen and beaten on the cross, for not trusting Him?  He knows my sorrows, and the sorrows of the whole world from the beginning of time until it’s end.  He is strong enough for what threatens to break me.  And He is more than prepared to go with me.

1But now thus says the LORD,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. Isaiah 43

Once again I am faced with the mystery of the Gospel.  Jesus is with me.  The fire will not burn me.  Yet there will be fire.  The waters won’t drowned me, but their will be cold water to tread.”Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor?” Rom.11:34

On Labor Day Weekend I went on retreat and heard from the Lord.  I surrendered my depression.  I accepted what God had told me.  I had prayed for healing of my clinical depression several times.  Every  time I got the same verse “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  2 Corinthians 12:9.  So I went on retreat angry at God.  I finally realized I was not in control.  I could exercise, eat right, or pound down caffeine, take medication, but only Jesus could make me symptom free.  And He said no.  No matter what illness or circumstance we face, His grace is enough.  I broke down crying and surrender to Him.

It is then I believe The Lord spoke to me about writing my story.  The story of the sexual violence and abuse I had been subject to my freshman year in college.  I heard the following verse distinctly on retreat and the next week at church: “Go and wash in the pool of Siloam”.  These words were spoken by Jesus to a blind man, a man whose eyes Jesus had covered in mud.   The blind man obeyed and washed in the pool, and regained his sight.  He had to do what he was told in order to be healed.  I find it interesting that the name Siloam means “sent”.   I felt like Jesus was sending me to do something that would result in healing.  I also felt my story might help others, and maybe I was being sent to tell others what Jesus has done for me.  I am not sure what this all means, but I do know the first step: Write my story.  Whatever happens next is up to the Lord.




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An imperfect and broken woman, I seek to know God better believing His promise "to make all things new..." one day at a time, one moment at a time.

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