Life sometimes feels like a Rubik’s cube I cannot solve,  It is puzzling and beyond me and doesn’t make sense.  I feel like I have been handed a mess.

I’m a mess. ‘

Does it matter.

Truth be told how I feel or do not feel at any given moment may matter (at times) to loved ones, and always to God, but in the grand scheme of the universe, not really.  The world doesn’t cease to turn when I am depressed.

Am I leaving a dent-will there be a hole when I’m gone as in “boy that Tara did so much for our church/community/humanity (insert superhero or Saint picture here)

Yet that is pride.  Some people never go recognized for all they do.  They have a quiet way of doing good that is rarely recognized.  Jesus said if you even give a cup of cold water in my name it will be noticed.  God knows.

Others say it is who you are or become that is your contribution to society.  So why are we here?

The Westminster Catechism states that man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy  Him forever.  How do I do that?

I guess the reason I am thinking all this is because, growing up in a very family centered, Roman Catholic Family, I thought my purpose in life was to raise kids.  If you had asked me, I would have told you otherwise-I would have quoted the Westminster Catechism or giving a more pious answer.  The truth is, I have been waiting all my life to raise children.  I feel I got what I think was a clear no from God, and I am now transitioning into menopause.  Suddenly life seems empty.  Shallow.  Nothing can dull the pain.  Not sweets, not caffeine, not TV.  Nothing.  I read my Bible and pray.  All I sense is an inner desperation for God, and a realization how much I need Him.  Yesterday I was glowing and full of peace…today…well not so much.  I just want to go to bed.

The truth is, this is hard on my husband.  He wants kids too.  He is the main provider and we cannot afford to adopt.  Then there’s my mom and dad who have one grandson they see too little of, due to the friction between my brother and the boys mother.

Yet that is NOT what is ailing me.  It’s the empty promises of the world.  It the illusion of control.  It’s like nothing really is as satisfying as it used to be.  Sad to say these things are shallow.  Tea, chocolate, ice-cream, TV…all the things that made me feel better or numbed me no longer work.  I don’t see having a good job or performance as what makes things fulfilling.  It’s a nice feeling to get things checked off my list-but it that what give me or my life value?  Or is it that I am a child of God?

However part of me thinks “who cares what happens to me if I do not have children?  What is the point”.  I don’t know why I feel that way.  I am not ready to foster.  If Geoff and I do, that road could lead to heart brake or joy or both.

I guess the point is to hold on, when there is nothing else, That and not let having children be an idol.  Amen

Though he slay me, yet will I trust Him.  Job

 

 

 

 

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hephzibah75

I am a recovering approval addict admitting my brokenness and trying to recover authenticity and vulnerability in my walk with God.

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