My depression is WELL under cotrol thanks to great combo of meds…note the word control…the ultimate illusion. I cannot do anything. I hyper focus on T.V. books or the internet. I don’t feel like socializing but force myself to. Today I felt lazy. I did walk the dog, make cookie dough and healthy muffins. I made oatmeal in the rice cooker for the week adding applesauce spices and raisins. But for the most part I did very little…and it felt great. Despite inserts my planters facitis acted up making my ankles hurt so I havent exercised in three day. That combind with the dark, the cold, and rapidly decreasing hormone levels make me think I am loosing my mind. I already have concentration issues, now perimenopause is depleting what is left of my mental faculties. My husband found a wrinkly 2 day old cucumber on the middle shelf of the hutch. I had been eating it while decorating and put it up there to keep it away from the dog. I forgot I put it there, and went searching for it. Unable to find it, I concluded I had finished it. Two days later and…
I don’t think I will live to be in my eighties. I will drive into a tree or wander into traffic before I reach that age. My only prayer is I will not be naked. I can see the headlines now: Elderly woman dies fully clothed in the bath tub with a bra strapped to her head. I think I will be smiling.
I guess depression is like anything other illness. You have good days and bad. I really wrestle with being unproductive and groggy. It’s like Prudence the Puritian is somehow watching me, taking notes, and criticizing my work ethic. She looks a lot like my mom, who has never had a lazy moment since going back to work and quiting soap operahs in 1985. She is now a devoute Catholic and gets up at 4 am with my dad to pray. EVERYDAY. Always. You only sleep in when your sick.
Actually my parents are a tough act to follow. When I was young they were incredably hard working and sacrifical. I often wonder if people have lazy days besides me and a handful of others who have confessed. If your from milltown New England USA like my parents the answer is no.
So the guilt is always there, threatening. I don’t want to be a sluggard or a soth or a fool, What I do want to do, however, is sleep until Feb/March when there is sunlight.
Atleast when I doze I can also interceed in prayer. Maybe that is enough.