New England Work Ethic and Depression

My depression is WELL under cotrol thanks to great combo of meds…note the word control…the ultimate illusion.  I cannot do anything.  I hyper focus on T.V. books or the internet.  I don’t feel like socializing but force myself to. Today I felt lazy.  I did walk the dog, make cookie dough and healthy muffins.  I made oatmeal in the rice cooker for the week adding applesauce spices and raisins.  But for the most part I did very little…and it felt great.  Despite inserts my planters facitis acted up making my ankles hurt so I havent exercised in three day.  That combind with the dark, the cold, and rapidly decreasing hormone levels make me think I am loosing my mind.  I already have concentration issues, now perimenopause is depleting what is left of my mental faculties.  My husband found a wrinkly 2 day old cucumber on the middle shelf of the hutch.  I had been eating it while decorating and put it up there to keep it away from the dog.  I forgot I put it  there, and went searching for it.  Unable to find it, I concluded I had finished it.  Two days later and…

I don’t think I will live to be in my eighties.  I will drive into a tree or wander into traffic before I reach that age.  My only prayer is I will not be naked.  I can see the headlines now: Elderly woman dies fully clothed in the bath tub with a bra strapped to her head.  I think I will be smiling.

I guess depression is like anything other illness.  You have good days and bad.  I really wrestle with being unproductive and groggy.  It’s like Prudence the Puritian is somehow watching me, taking notes, and criticizing my work ethic.  She looks a lot like my mom, who has never had a lazy moment since going back to work and quiting soap operahs in 1985.  She is now a devoute Catholic and gets up at 4 am with my dad to pray.  EVERYDAY.  Always.  You only sleep in when your sick.

Actually my parents are a tough act to follow.  When I was young they were incredably hard working and sacrifical.  I often wonder if people have lazy days besides me and a handful of others who have confessed.  If your from milltown New England USA like my parents the answer is no.

So the guilt is always there, threatening.  I don’t want to be a sluggard or a soth or a fool,  What I do want to do, however, is sleep until Feb/March when there is sunlight.

Atleast when I doze I can also interceed in prayer.  Maybe that is enough.

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Mid Life Marathoner

We got a runner folks

She is not armed,

Only dangerous to herself

She has been charged with several counts

Of imperfection,

And fleshly weakness-

A warrent was put out for her arrest,

By none other than herself

And she intends to punish herself under the full extent of the law,

If ever she catches up with herself

Jesus has been calling

From the helicopter above

No wait, he’s running beside me!

Shame propells me forward,

Grace calls me back,

Into His arms.

 

 

 

Not Self Actualized

I had a lot of thoughts today,

A sinus headache,

And an need like desire to watch a hokey hallmark whodonit.

Whodonit indeed!

I think about my “attitude about food” and family history,

And my own inclinations

About why we become who we are…

Some of it learned,

Some genetic,

Some experiential

So where does the soul come in?

Do families really know each other or do we just say

“He gets that from his dad!”

Or “I dont know where she came from!”

And what happens when you feel you don’t know where you belong?

Have we all lost who we are,

Because tv and technology wastes our potential?

Have I?

I like stories.

stories about people

Preferably in a series

familiar people you can pretend to get to know which is comforting because they can never be as complex as real people and the problems are solved and you can live vicariously.  Thank goodness she ended up with him and not the other guy.

I don’t want to think about the rest of it,

About how TV is cheap and effortless,

How tired my brain gets and shutting it off is so delicious ..

Why I crave adventure and my mind,

Takes paths into regions,

That bring only regret.

Is it stress?

If I got paid for every moment spent,

In lesson plans,

Would it seem less tedious?

I feel I’ve hit a big brick idea-less wall

SPLAT!

Like a cartoon character-

Except in this case,

My forehead  hurts.

What is required of me in the responsibility department and what about some sort of holy God induced self actualization?

Hmmmm a bit of an idealist maybe?

Who am I supposed to be?

Or better yet,

Who have you created me to be.

God, you know better than I,

The answer-

Help me when I can’t

Be everything I want

or should.

 

 

 

 

To the God Who Is Outside of Time

I hold in my hand

That precious gift-

Sunday-

Another week-

Sunrise-

Another day-

Time is such a mystery

Limited,

By breath,

infinite to God-

I know this yet I pretend,

It is an Everlasting Gobstopper,

So I can do what I think I want,

Only to regret it later.

Give me wisdom to number my days,

Let me make most of evil times,

Help me to balance work exhaustion and rest-

Never forgetting,

Tension will always exist

And perfection lies elsewhere.

 

The No and the Yes.

I have battled depression since I was about 10 or 12.  I don’t know if it started at puberty or when I fractured my skull, or even before that.  As an adult, I take medication, go to Christian Counseling, eat right and exercise pretty hard.  I have received prayer for healing and prayed for it myself.  My depression is being treated, yet it is not cured. Even when not feeling the emotional effects, I fight exhaustion, mental fatigue/lack of concentration, and feeling overwhelmed.  Yet some days are much worse than that.

Jesus will you (instantly) take away my depression?

The answer seemed to be a big fat NO…

MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU AND MY STRENGTH MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS. was the answer I received, over and over, every time I pleaded for healing.

The Apostle Paul heard those words, so I guess I am in good company.

And then there was the next big NO…After 5 years of marriage, 2 years of infertility treatments, countless prayers for healing, exploring  adoption, and foster care, the door suddenly closed.  I was crushed.  The next few weeks I found church both difficult and comforting.  I would hide myself in the prayer room until I was composed enough to join the congregation. One particular service I was waiting to receive communion, kneeling in prayer,  The usher came over to the side pew occupied only by Geoff and I, signaling it was now our turn to join the receiving line.  My pew was directly below one of the stations of the cross.  When I rose  my eyes fell on the caption underneath the picture, which somehow seemed to leap off the wall and meet me: “Jesus Comforts the mourning women.” I knew  Jesus was promising not to heal me, but to comfort me.

If anyone knows how to comfort the mourning, it is Jesus.  He pleaded in the garden  Father please take this cup from me.  For Him the cup was unimaginable suffering, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  The cup he drank was the cup of God’s wrath, the dregs of human sin, the bitter poison of separation from God.  My cup is Depression, ADD and infertility.  Jesus sweat blood just thinking about what he was about to go through.  I feel very sad and tired and try not to eat too much chocolate and drink too much caffeine and not to be grumpy with the kids I work with.  Jesus sweat blood in response to His suffering and I eat Hershey Kisses.  Kind of puts what I am going through into perspective.  Even dealing with past events that left me traumatized are not so horrible as to make me sweat blood.  Yet Jesus did.  Despite the horrors He knew awaited Him, He submitted to the Father’s  will.  Father not my will but yours be done.  Jesus was not only perfect in obedience, but very brave.  In the face of suffering He both calls us and enables us to be the same.

As Lady Julian of Norwich said in Revelations of Devine Love “

“If there is anywhere on earth a lover of God who is always kept safe, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But this was shown: that in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious love.”

It is easy when things don’t go our way to think of it in negative terms. It feels like God is saying NO.  Yet the answer is always Yes and amen in Jesus.  Yes-Jesus knows what it is like to experience pain and loss and suffering.  Yes -His grace is enough. Yes-He will perfect His strength in our times of weakness.  Yes- He will comfort you.

And no, you are not alone.

 

I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:7b-9 (Saint Paul)

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Dueteronomy 31:6

 

 

 

 

 

Only Hope

I prayed for a specific miracle.

I recieved them one by one but

Not THE ONE.

By what right do I complain?

I received the gift,

Of saving grace…

Second chances,

So many thing I do not deserve.

So thank you…

It hurts Jesus.

Maybe just the void of a dream shrouded in unrealistic expectations

A convient distraction

So hungry for significance –

Yet here I am,

So obscure-

yet I matter to you.

Yet in this admission there is a great and terrible dying

Letting go of needing to be anything

Of the consuming desperation to be be be

Lord fill those empty places like the ocean fills the deep crags between the rocks licking up every empty place.

Yet never be cold, only warm and healing…

Consume my pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Calculated Worth

Should I have eaten, that?

Hmm 100 Calories

Smoothie=Protien powder 100+ fruit 60 +low fat milk 130+ oatmeal 120+Tea25=435 -exercise =300 +lunch + + + +

Do I have thr right to be this hungry?

Am I hungry or sad or lonely?

How many claories?

How many calories?

How many calories?

A little over weight is this sin?

Perimenopuase…WHAT size do I fit in?

Smile and drink a shake

Do another take-

Whoopied dee

You can be thin just like me,

Just don’t be hungry,

Never get cranky,

Ignore it when your head is ligh and your hands shakey

Wakey wakey eggs and bakey…

How many calories?

I lost count.